Tonight we had my family over to celebrate Sam's 5th birthday. I'll post more about the celebration later, that's not what's on my mind. Every year, every event, every milestone that we celebrate with him still leaves me with a twinge of longing. As much as I try not to, I can't help but reflect on what life would have been like if Ben had survived. We'd have celebrated two birthdays tonight. Joe would have been assembling two bikes. I wonder, would we have done two cakes, or would they have shared one? You get the idea.
I miss him. I miss what our life could have (should have?) been with our twin boys. I wish that Sam could really understand that he has a twin brother. Someday he will. Someday we'll all be together again.
Memorial day is coming up and, like every year, I wish that I could visit his grave in Utah. He was buried on Memorial day. The cemetary opened early so that we could have a graveside service before the crowds came. I know that he won't be forgotten because he is buried with lots of relatives from my Dad's side of the family. There will be flowers on his grave. But I still wish that I could go.
Life is happy and good and I have so many things to be grateful for. But I miss my Benjamin. Sometimes I just have to allow myself to feel that. And then life continues on...
Benjamin Joseph Lodge
May 24-28, 2005
(Picture taken May 28, 2005)